.Do I Dare Disturb the Universe?.

My aunt died last night. She was getting really sick, and her sisters kept trying to bring her to the hospital but she refused. By the time she went in, my aunt discovered she had stage four cancer. She only lived a few more days.

I feel really bad for my dad, because she was his favourite sister, and now he's in a really terrible mood. Me and Polly keep trying to talk to him, and make sure he's okay.

All he said was "I'm fine. It's okay, I'm used to it," which about breaks my heart.

Dad's mom died of cancer when he was in his teens, then his brother died years ago. Now, his older sister just died, and his dad is sick with alzheimer's and will be dying soon. He's so used to bottling up his emotions, and losing family members, he isn't even willing to talk to any of us.

Dad already bought a plane ticket a few days ago so he could say goodbye to her, but now he's going to use it for her funeral instead.

RIP Ginette. You were an awesome lady, and I'm sorry you got cancer. :(

I've been working on my new novel, and it's really hard. I seriously only have 9K written, and it's driving me nuts how slow it's been.

I published my first story on Amazon, and only sold one copy. One. I made $0.35 cents. Seriously. How frustrating.

I need to make a hell of a lot more than that, if I'm going to pay back all my debt.

My tenant decided he wasn't going to pay rent or oil, which means my pipes might freeze, unless I cough up thousands of dollars paying for oil, and all his bills. He's been driving me nuts.

Also, I've been feeling really depressed lately.It's that terrible time of the year, when we only get like, three hours of sunlight a day. It's dark when I get up and go to work, and it's dark when I go home at the end of the night. I feel exhausted. My brain is really fuzzy at work, and I can barely concentrate on anything. Work, writing, family, everything.

My hours are being cut as of next week, now that christmas season is over, I'll be going down to 18 hours a week. At least I can still afford rent. Barely, what with all the extra bills I'm still paying. For a house I'm not even living in, six thousand KMs away. Lame.

I just got back from seeing the Hobbit BOTFA, and it was really good. I liked the majority of it, except for having to sit through Fili, Kili and Thorin's deaths. That was painful. I didn't want to see them die. I felt really bad for Fili, because he didn't have anyone crying over him or mourning him. Tauriel cried over Kili, Bilbo cried over Thorin, and Fili was just lying there. They should have died together. At least being able to say goodbye, or hold hands as the life drained from their bodies. I really liked both Fili and Kili, and it hurt too much. He was my lionhearted boy.

I went with Polly, my mom, and my cousin to see the Penguins movie. It was really funny. :)

It was kind of awkward though, because I mentioned that I was a bit sugar high from downing a cherry amp energy drink before the film (It was my day off, and I was writing a new chapter for my Sterek fanfic), and my cousin started getting all nosy about how much I weigh. She kept asking me over and over if I could just tell her how much I weighed, and even after I told her that I wasn't going to, she still persisted.

It was really uncomfortable. Especially since I am fully aware that I need to lose weight (and have started to do so), but I am not the only fat person in my family. In fact, apart from my super skinny sister who just had a baby, pretty much everyone else in the family, has the same build. Huge butts, tiny racks, and huge hips/thighs.

And out of everyone, I was the only one to NOT buy a drink/popcorn combo for the film. Everyone else had drinks, candy, popcorn, etc. I had three sips of coke, and a lollipop. And I still felt terrible, because of her questions.

I got my tooth fixed. There was a cavity that had spread, and had nearly gone to the nerve on the tooth. It cost 300 $ to fix, but now my mouth feels much better. I'd had that problem since March, but I couldn't afford to get it fixed until now.

Work was long today - people everywhere, and my brain felt fuzzy. I had to really bite my tongue a few times when customers were asking all sorts of aggravating questions, and demanding I price check five TVs, and search for games and movies that we no longer carry.
I spent half an hour fixing up the 5 dollar movie bin, arranging all the titles spines facing upwards, and just as I was about to walk away, this girl came over, and just started flinging all the DVDs around the bin, and destroyed all my work. I felt like throttling her, as she totally ignored me, and walked off. Goddamnit it.

Maybe I'm just really tired and stressed out. Normally, I'm in a pretty zen mood when I'm on till, with the exception of the really busy times when I feel my anxiety start to rise. Once christmas season is over, my hours will be cut, though. Luckily, my rent is nowhere near what it used to be. I can still survive on 20 hours a week.

This little kid went through my till today, and he tried to buy a bag of chips, and a 40 dollar season of the Simpsons, even though he only had 13 dollars. I told him he didn't have enough, so he tried a few other titles, until he settled on Lets Be Cops. I told him he had to put back the chips, since his total was more than fifteen dollars ( I had to pay the till 1.50 but I didn't mind). He came back like an hour later, and the DVD was scratched,so I helped him find another copy so he could exchange it.

Tonight the Hobbit comes out in theatres, and I'm really excited, even though I don't get to go until Friday night. Me and polly both work tonight and tomorrow, so we bought tickets for Friday's showing. Good timing, since that's also payday. I'll be able to afford a popcorn/drink combo with polly. I'm really excited to see the film, but I don't want to see some of my favourite characters die. I'll probably cry, and I won't have 3D glasses to hide my tears.

It's been really busy at work, because it's christmas season. I don't mind so much when there's two of us in the department, but when I'm on my own, I start feeling really anxious. I'm not very good with loud crowds of people, and I start having trouble breathing, and I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I'll be on till, and answering the phone, and I'll have like ten customers asking me questions at once, and demanding that I find some obscure DVD that we probably don't even sell. Throw in my inability to focus on anything, and my incessant nervous energy, and I have to really struggle to make sure I get all my customers what they want.

Sometimes I get really rude people, because they insist that because I'm the only girl who works in electronics, that I don't know what I'm doing. They'll start their conversation with, "I have a question for this department, but I need a male employee. You won't do - you're a girl."

Or, they won't believe that I can lift heavy items for them, because I'm a chick, and overweight. They keep saying, "Call a guy, obviously you won't be able to lift this thing." Which is pretty demeaning, because the item in question will be like, ten pounds, and I can easily lift a forty inch TV with one hand, and carry heavy boxes of DVD's all over the place. I'm fat, but I'm not a weakling.

Luckily, I have a few customers that I really like, and since it's a really small, isolated town, I often see the same people every day. I'm glad that I have a job now. After spending two years being unemployed in the maritimes, it feels good to have a steady paycheck. I still have to pay back my line of credit, and my Visa, but eventually, I'll be debt free again.

today is thanksgiving. it started out all right. I woke up late and we had to rush to walk to mom's house to get to church on time. we were only like 2 minutes late. amazing!

and church was fun, because we got to spend part of it in the nursery with Anniya and Taylor. It was really cool. Anniya got to sit beside baby Alexander and hold his hand, and she was climbing all over the playtoys like a monkey. Taylor was very quiet and played off on his own. I got to read to the pastor's son Dominic, because he started crying so i picked him up and read to him a bunch of kids books which instantly calmed him down.

Dad had to go to the hospital because he had this weird rash on most of his body, but he was home by the time church was over. Dont know what's wrong with him. Maybe he has an allergy?

We took Anniya to the Co Op which was fun, she got to run around and look at the crabs and kept trying to grab all the produce.we had to buy a bunch of ingrediants for this Quinoa salad we're making for tonight.

we are having thansksgiving dinner at peggy's house. it should be really fun.

but then as soon as i got home to the trailer, things got a bit weird because heidi had locked the door(a rarity for us) so we had to knock on the window to get her attention. She looked really pissed off, which is never a good sign, so i was just going to get out of her way, but then she was like "Thanks for eating my apples guys" really sarcastically.

It confused me until i remembered this morning on the way to church me and polly both grabbed an apple to eat. big deal.

except that instead of eating "our" apples in the basket, polly had opened the brandnew bag heidi had bought the other day. Forgetting of course that these were "special" apples intended for heidi's applesauce.

Even after we pointed out that she could've easily just grabbed a few apples from our basket to make up for it ( they're the same type), and that most people who see a bag of apples sitting on a table dont automatically hesitate to grab one instead of rummaging around in the basket. but heidi was like "normal people would put them away first and not eat my apples!

when she's in a mood like this there is no explanations that she will listen to, or anything. she will just flip out and start screaming. so i went to my room to wait till she's done cooking before we can do the salad.

i had this weird dream that in the outsiders, after the incident in the park Pony and Johnny didn't run to Dally. Pony got scared that Dally would tell his brothers what had happened, so he went to the local drug dealer, Huggy, to help them escape.

Unfortunately as they were driving through town to get away there was a car accident, and Johnny got killed. Pony felt super guilty for his friends' death, and was going to turn himself in, but Huggy decided to manipulate Ponyboy's guilt. Huggy told Pony that Johnny's death was all Pony's fault and the police would put him in jail for life and he would never get to see his brothers again. Pony believed him, and went with him to another town.

Huggy got caught dealing drugs, and both boys ended up in a youth jail compound. they were supposed to go for two years. the jail was notorious for having escapees, and luckily for them there was a mass breakout planned a few days after their arrival.

When the group of people escaped, Huggy and Pony followed them out of the compound and into a large grassy field. one of the peopel who had already escaped had set up this elaborate plan involving a bunch of oreos laid out in the grass, and tin cans with sticks pointing to the right direction. the escapees were deeply organized, and were all running to various locations and Pony tripped and hit his head on the ground.

he woke up in an ambulance, and realized that the ambulance worker was sawing him in half, while chanting "its your faullt, you killed Johnny" This freaked out Ponyboy, who started screaming. I turned out that he was actually just lying in the woods screaming and he had a concussion. this resulted in Huggy and Pony being caught and thrown back in jail.

They managed to escape for real on halloween, because they dressed up like hobos and the warden believed they weren't inmates so hey were relesased. pony had to drag Huggy away from the warden because he kept hitting on her.

then they found a payphone and called the brothers to go home.

me and heidi and polly signed for our trailer we're renting yesterday, during my birthday party. its exciting because it is a three bedroom place, we have our own kitchen and living room and bathroom, with washer and dryer and everything. even a small yard.

the location is great - 15 min walk to walmart, 5 min walk to extra foods, co op, tim hortons, winks, reddimart,etc.

me and polly are splitting for a WII so exciting, i'm buying the mario galaxy, or mario party maybe both.

my party was cool we made our own pizzas. me and polly babysat the kids, then me and dad took anniya and dude to co op for supper groceries, and that was fun.


i got some presents too. mom bought me a Wok, for cooking at the trailer, and polly gave me a fudge piece.(I hate fudge, but i didnt tell her that)
and heidi got me a blanket that a lady in church crocheted, and its green so pretty. and mom and polly ordered my awesome baja hoody.

our landlord thinks i'm a druggie hippy. heidi and polly showed up for the inspection and i was late, he was staring. i was wearing my tye dye that matches my dreads colours. no wonder. he keeps dropping hints about NO POT rules and Dont Grow Any Pot Plants. mom snickers everytime he did it, then after he left mom told me that he probly thinks im druggie hippy.


oh well.

At work, I still dont really know what to think of the girls i work with.Kaitlyn seems ok, but karen and renee are very gossipy and opinionated. i fell asleep in the lounge this morning, (I was there an hour and a half early) because i'd had like five hours sleep, and then they all started asking me if i was sick because i'd slept. like, whatever. i'm tired, leave me along. i'm not the only napper at work, but if my eyes ever so much as droop in the lounge, everyone's quick to shake the table, or poke me, or ask if im sick, which sucks.
i'm tired, piss off.

Lida gave me a hard time today at work, when she tried to buy a recalled sweater, and I refused(we're not allowed), and she started spazzing out, and degrading me and kaitlin, and bossing us around, even bringing another fashion worker into the mess, and trying to type various UPC codes onto my register, until kaitlyn finally relented and sold it to her( I wasnt going to back down,but she works for customer service, so i had to).
When Lisa found out how Lida had manipulated us, she was so pissed off, (Lida told her a differing story)and went to talk to her.
When Lida came back to my till after my lunch, I was expecting a confrontation, but was shocked when she earnestly apologized, and I was able to talk to her openly about the situation with neither party getting angry. It was resolved very efficiently, and I made sure she knew never go degrade me like that in front of my coworkers again. Lisa must have really ripped into her, for her to back down like that.

so im home now. my luggage is still in hay river because of the breakup, but i have a small duffel with some clothes and my trusty backpack.

being home is strange a little because of how much the same everything is. nothing really changes here, i guess.

the kids are still the same, cute as heck but are sometimes a pain in the neck when they don't listen.

my parents are still fighting alot, and it creates alot of tension in the house.

my sister is still the reclusive sister that she's always been.

and the house is just as messy as always.

mom and polly are concerned about my sleeping habits, and mom suggested i go to see a doctor about sleep apnea, which i am tomorrow.

unfortunately, polly has decided to watch my sleeping patterns like a hawk, and constantly freaks out at me.
the reason is because i'm using her bed,(i dont have a bedroom or bed), and although its very comfortable, I still wake up very early, because of the bright sunlight. this results in my tiredness during the day, as I get up at 7 every day to babysit , and dont go to bed until midnight or later.

polly has determined that because in the mornings i'm still very tired, and have taken short naps to compensate during the afternoon that 'SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME" and she constantly wakes me up from my naps to make sure i dont get this needed sleep.

"six hours is more then enough for a grownup"

no wonder parents and polly are so cranky and take it out on the family because everyone here never gets enough sleep, and are much too stressed out with raising five young children.

i'm still trying to get work from walmart, so i have to go back today, because yesterday kathy was in a meeting so i didnt get a chance to talk to anyone.

went to see Kickass today, and it was good. the characters were really funny and it was very interesting.
i didnt like the violence, i had to close my eyes a couple parts cuz it was too gross. im pretty squeamish when it comes to gore though. thats why i hate watching CSI with polly, and why I vow to never watch the Saw movies.

I'm glad it was rated 18A though, because nowadays alot of movies that should be rated high due to content are rated really low, and then all these young teens are there that shouldn't be, or parents bring their little kids.


The audience was adults, except for 1 baby, who was maybe 1 yr or 18 months, who cried the first half of the movie nonstop, till the parents finally took him outta there. that movie was no place for a little kid, the parents should have known better.

spent three hours on the phone with Air Canada on hold tonight, trying to correct my June flight back from grandma's. damn people never picked up. I had to charge my cell halfway through and call back, but nooo, they're too busy or whatnot. annoys the hell outta me.

supposed to be packing today and tommorrow. i have till thursday, but i want to make sure it's done early, i would hate to leave it last minute.

totally wish i didn't have to fly half way home, i'd rather just greyhound it. but nooo, i gotta fly out home, and darn it all, this sucks. i hate when i totally plan something like a trip to the last detail, and then something throws it out the window, and you gotta totally do something else, something crappy like flying.